Sunday, 23 November 2008

Hello, my dear Forgotten Diary. Hope, you’re not angry with me for the word “forgotten” has taken a literal meaning to you. Actually, I didn’t forget about you. There were some reasons that made me silent. Some events that unsettled me so strong that even writing here was hard for me… I was “Far away” ( Apocalyptica’s melody has the same title and mood). The place I’ve been called “depression” The deepest one…)) But now I’m here again, with you, ready to overcome any hardships of this life and tell you about my life, life of my people, youth and city. 

Let me tell you everything in course. You know where I’ve been, but don’t know why. And my return I’ll begin with “The story of my life” (in brief) 

Knock…knock…knocking on Heaven’s door…

All we are dreamers. Even realists and pessimists are dreamers from time to time. What is important for us is what we dream about and try to reach. And it depends on us whether our dreams will stay just dreams or will we make aims of them and try to reach them. “Nobody promised it would be easy”.  

From my childhood studying comes first in my life after my family. I believe I must thank for that my father. Looking through my diary covered with red writings and repetitive number “five” (the highest mark in the RF Educational system) he used to say: “You must study, Amata. Do your best all the time. A one who doesn’t study becomes a slave of this life”. I remembered these words for the rest of my life. 

When I was at the 10 form my dad left this life…the real meaning of the words: “when there’s no father to support you” - I understood two years later. Dad wanted me to continue studying in Moscow at some acknowledged, strong institute of higher education where I’d get a good knowledge. In addition, father’s brother lives in Moscow so it seemed quite possible. I wanted it more than he did and this was something I lived for… 

Two years passed by – the gloomy ones - and I was staying at the school’s exit with a certificate dreaming about the future, of course, it was connected with Moscow. But a house of cards was going to ruins while at another end of line I heard my uncle’s voice: “I didn’t promise anything… Moscow is a large city… You are young, you are a GIRL… It’ll be hard for you to live here…” – the voice from the phone was saying something else but I didn’t hear what…my feet didn’t feel the ground. At that moment I lost something very important... more than just a chance to study where I dreamed. At that moment I lost a sense of my life, my future life as I believed. It was my luck I was in sunglasses and nobody saw my red eyes and heavy shower of tears on my way back home from a public telephone. 

Yes, I am a GIRL, but as far as I know there is no any religion, or rule, or custom that prohibits a man - no matter who he is a man or a woman, – forbids him/her to study, to look for knowledge. 

Well... Do you think I was broken? Hurt? Disappointed? Unsettled? - EXACTLY! For 17 years old girl it was hard.  And the only person who cheered me was my mum ( “Mother is a human that can replace everybody but there’s nobody who can replace her”).  

Those year – in 2004 the Moscow State University (MSU) gave an opportunity to enter their university to passing 2 exams instead of 3 for those who won at the regional Olympiads. And as I was one of those winners in the English language Olympiad I had a delusive hope that I’d pass and enter the MSU at the Faculty of foreign languages. (At the 10-11 forms I was fond of English, England and everything that connected with it. Besides I liked mathematic and informatics. So before my own “Apocalypses” I wanted to bind these subjects in one what was possible only in Moscow)… So… My mum supported me and we went to her relatives in Moscow to haв a trial. I was intensive making preparations for the Judgement day (examinations). But as I’m not a genius and there were lots of clever school-leavers and winners of the Olympiads (why not to confess, some of them were really smarter than me and it wasn’t strange as they had studied in strong schools in Moscow, not postwar ones. Shortly, I didn’t pass…and had to return to Grozny and enter our university at the same faculty. 

If I say I forgot about my “own Apocalypses” in short time I’ll lie. It’s really painful when your dream vanishes in two steps from you. And somewhere inside the wound is still bleeding. I know well that my little tragedy which I call “Apocalypses” is nothing in comparison with grieves that happen in this life. It’s nothing in comparison with war and deaths… Nothing in comparison with hunger that many African people suffer… Yes…And I thank God for everything I have today… For I know how it is painful to lose near and dear people… But still fact is a fact – it is difficult and painful to realize that things in which you believed for so long betray your trust in them. 

So this is a prehistory (happened 4 years ago) of “The story of my life ” and events that unsettled me once more began in this year and words “studying”, “England”, “GIRL” inseparable from it.

Part 2: “history repeats itself” or “how they touched my fighting spirit”))

This year the government of Chechen Republic launched a new project – “Studying abroad”. According to the project every year about 100 students of our institutes of higher education will be sent to German and Great Britain for studying. A selecting began in summer and consisted of language test and interview with representatives of foreign educational organizations (StudyGroup, INTO, DAAD). More than 300 students were waiting for the results… For me this project was like a sunbeam in the dark… a chance to compensate last unsuccessful attempt.  

And after two long months of waiting the results (which I could compare with 100 years) it appeared that the government decided not to send GIRLS to Great Britain (there's no any girl among 45 selected students).  “It’s not efficiently to spend money for girls’ studying” – they day. – “If they got married they’d leave a career, job”. So the suggest a girl – no matter how clever she can be – to sit at home and don’t mind businesses like studying, job, politics and so on. Well, of course, family is very important in a man’s life… But let us chose by ourselves… 

I can understand those of our government who scare of spending money “for vain” for the girls studying. Yes, it’s true that for many Chechen girls home and family are the only things they care about. But take a look around: at the institutes, at schools, at different establishments women work and do their best. Our republic is not exclusion. And also, it is mother that brings up children and if she’d be uneducated, unwise, and sorry for that word – foolish – what will get our society at the end? FD, why don’t they understand it? Why?

Yes, I we are GIRLS, but as far as I know there is no any religion, or rule, or custom that prohibits a man - no matter who he is a man or a woman, – forbids him/her to study, to look for knowledge. 

So this was the second beat of life in the same wound and this unsettled me (I’m ashamed for that – for I took it to the heart again - but I’m just a man which’s learning to be strong… have to be otherwise I won’t survive).

So this is the reason of my silent: first - hard waiting, second – “girls, girls, girls”… 

But it’s in the past now and we are optimists. Right? Right! 
All hardships of this life we should consider as trials, examinations that make us stronger. I’m not gonna give up.  

There is a huge book on my shelf called “OXFORD advanced learners dictionary”. A year ago I looked at it and thought: “In my future life)) I’ll be an Oxford university student”… Now I know I’ll be in this life! With God’s help.  

Never Give Up!
Your Amata


Unknown said...

Hey Amata, I'm glad you started blogging again!
It was interesting to read your story, thanks for sharing it.

I can imagine how you feel, I myself have encountered that "you_are_a_girl" accusation for several times, but I see you have a very strong personality and you will certainly reach your goals! You know that when one door is closing, another one is opening, so never give up, keep your nose high as I believe you will make a change in your society :)

Cheers from Armenia,

Amata said...

:) I'm glad too to see myself back again) thank you for support and believing in me... To be weak or to give up or to be a pessimist - a great luxury for me :)) Good luck you too.
And visitors, be active, active, friends. More comments.))))

selene said...

I'm sooooo happy to read from you again Amata! Welcome back :-)

Anonymous said...

Amata, do not worry we will find you something. Your dream willl come true. Email me at,A

Anonymous said...

Hi Amata,

Arpine is right - when one door closes, another one opens. There are many great programs out there that you can apply for, so you win a scholarship to study anywhere in the world. And unlike the Chechen government, these programs will NOT discriminate against you because you're a woman. All they're interested in is your brains, your desire to learn and your readiness to work hard - and you have plenty of all that. We're help to help you!